100 days

wake-up call [noun] ~ /ˈweɪk.ʌp kɔːl/

"Something that makes you realize that you need to take action to change a situation."

It has been 590 days since my dad died.

In those 590 days I have written many things that reflected my emotional state at the time. I have gone through so many waves of bad feelings and emotions, that at some point it became very hard to describe the reality of my situation.

Even today, 590 days later, I mourn his loss. I still carry this feeling of emptiness in my heart and within myself.

Even to this day, I want to feel his presence, I want to see old photos and for the life of me I am still trying to watch that one video he recorded 1 month before his passing. But I can't.

And that's ok.

There is only a few number of people with whom I share my feelings regarding how I really feel most times. I tried for so long to be strong and make sense of it all, that I lost the essence of who I really was, and what was most important to me. I tried to force a change within myself so hard, that it ended up in a relapse of who I did not want to be anymore.

I pushed my training to limits I thought would bring me out of the darkness.

I convinced myself that I could channel all the bad energy I was feeling on my own.

I ignored the reality of my feelings, and just kept pushing.

It did not work. I was broken.

100 days ago, I met my great friend Mr. M. in Barcelona. I went for a work conference and spent a couple of days with him and his family. We always have honest chats about our life and help each other through thick and thin.

100 days ago we had an open chat about how I was doing. A wake-up call that snapped me out of it.

I think it takes a lot of courage to accept when things are not going well, and at that point something had to give. And it finally did. Is one of those things your friends don't have to tell you, their actions speak for themselves. It was honest and it was real. Mr M. once told me that he did not know exactly how to help me, because he had never dealt with the situation I was in, but regardless of what it was, he was always going to be there for me as a friend and a brother for life. That encapsulates everything you need to know about a true friend, which he is and always will be.

100 days ago I started a truly and honest road back to being myself. I came back home and started looking at all the little things I had done in the past, and what I had done wrong. I understood I needed patience to be able to trust myself again. I understood that I had to accept the fact that nothing was bringing my dad back, and as sad as I am about it, I need to learn to live with that fact. I came to the clear realization that I had used this situation to justify my behaviour, and assumed that was OK.

It was not.

Looking back at these 100 days, I feel that things have improved. I can look at myself in the mirror and see a hint of who I used to be, and that makes me happy.

100 days which I took one day at the time, writing down my feelings, my habits and understanding what had to change, and more importantly: making it happen.

100 days that brought me back from a very dark place.

Thank you, my friend.