Atone [verb] ~ /uh-tohn/
"To make amends or reparation, as for something that offends or displeases."
6 years, 2 months and 10 days ago, I said good bye to Pete; and as much as it broke my heart, I had to do it. I had to let him go ....
... I remember that day clearly, it was the 5th of September 2016. I was walking down the road to my house when I last saw Pete. He was walking towards me with his head down, hands in his pockets, hoodie on.
He raised his head, looked at me in the eyes for about 3 seconds and carried on walking bumping his shoulder against mine, moving me out of the way....
It was a day of great sadness, but also a day of vindication.
Redemption is a difficult concept to grasp when you are unsure what is it that you did wrong. When something happens over time so slowly, and suddenly it gets out of hand, you feel like it happened in an instant, but that is never the case. When things reach the point of no return, there is no stopping the avalanche that is coming to hit you.
You better run. Fast.
The past 6 years have been great. I would think about Pete every once in a while, wondering how he was doing, but not really thinking about seeing him again, or even talking to him. I did not want to.
When someone does something bad to you, and slowly pushes you away, is very difficult to build the confidence to talk back to them and make them understand that things can be better, that they can improve. I most certainly felt this way about Pete, and after he left I gained a new lease of life. I felt free.
For about 6 months now, I have had glimpses of him. I may see his reflection somewhere, or hear his voice around the corner, or have this feeling he just knocked on my door and ran away. This is something that kept looming around me for months, but I did not pay much attention.
I feel that all that has happened in the past year has contributed to these feelings and the sensation that somehow he knew what was going on, but was hiding quietly waiting for the right moment.
I continued on a spiral of thought and regret. A never ending circle of sadness and that feeling that something had to give. I kept pushing these thoughts away, burying them deep in my brain, never wanting to face them once and for all.
And then everything changed.
As I walked down the road, headphones on, music blasting through my ears and fast reflections in the shops windows .... something caught the corner of my eye, something familiar. I stopped and quickly turned my head around.
And there he was. Looking at me straight to my face, with that fear I always saw in him, that fire that had extinguished such a long time ago. That burning sensation of someone who did not want to embrace what was coming his way. That anguish of seeing me again. The desperation of the times to come. The regret of having left without saying good bye, knowing that one day he would have to face those demons again.
Pete was back.
As I looked at him from the distance, the reality of the situation hit me. He looked beaten, tired, broken. He looked like a guy who has been through hell and back. Same hoodie he had 6 years ago, and those same dejected eyes I had seen such a long time ago.
"Hello, Pete". I said.
His eyes turned away for a second, and then we hugged.
For the first time in 6 years we were there again for each other. It was a bittersweet moment.
No more words were needed. We knew everything each of us had gone through, and we knew that we will be in each other lives forever, regardless of what happened moving forward.
Pete was and will always be a part of who I am. I see a lot of me in him.
We have laughed
We have cried
We have argued
We have made up
We have been through bad shit together
I will have him in my life for a while, until is time to say good bye again, but this time in good terms, as it should be.
I don't need to fix him, I just need to understand him. This is the journey of a lifetime, and what are we if we can't tolerate others, and understand their point of view.
I now know that when things go to shit there is always a reason. That being our own stubborness or the effect others have in us, and we have to deal with it in our own way.
We just need to be tolerant, and accept our flaws as they are.
Believe it or not, he is here.
Welcome back Pete. I embrace your return with open arms, because I need you in my life. I need you in my life to understand what I do not want to become, and why I need to fight until the last ounce of sweat is out of my body. I need you in my life to understand why my family is so important to me, and why I need to be the best version of myself for them.
I need you in my life, so I don't become you. I need to fight.
I need to fight like my fucking life depends on it. You know why? ..... Because it does.
Thanks for reading.
Comments