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Writer's pictureThe Useless Runner

The quiet war

Willpower [noun] - /ˈwɪlpaʊə(r)/

"The ability to resist short-term rewards in pursuit of longer-term goals."


There are many things in my life that have defined me. Things that made me the way I am and shaped my entire personality. They shaped the way I behave and way I do things. These were not always good things; some of them were challenging, and some were difficult to accept.


My parents raised me in a way that gave me some independence from a young age, especially my dad. My mom was a bit different. They were strict and always taught me that discipline is important, but they also showed me that we need to be kind to others, and care for others the way we care for our own family.


I don't really know how we grow to be the way we are and how we develop our personalities and the way we react to the realities of living this life we have been given. It can be that the events in our life create who we are, or we are simply born this way, or both.


I can't compare my struggles with other people's because they are too personal and too intimate to compare. What I find unfair in my life may not be unfair for others, or the way I share my feelings with my loved ones is not the same that others may do so, and it is difficult to measure everyone with the same yardstick. We are all different, we all have our own personal struggles, and more importantly we all fight that quiet war no-one knows about. We fight our own demons.


There are so many things in my life that I deal with, that only a handful of people who really know me will understand when I say I am struggling with something. I have always been open to sharing my feelings with those very close to me, but at the same time I am aware of how being vulnerable to others may affect the perception they have about me. Is a tricky balance because sometimes you really open up and show how vulnerable you are, and you expect them to understand how you feel.


I am not a victim of my struggles. I don't let them define my 'here' and 'now'. However, they have an effect in the way I act on my day to day, and the way I interact with others. If I am not having a good day, it shows, and that is OK.


I was talking to a friend yesterday and we discussed the way people mourn for others, and how we all are so different at expressing these feelings. It reminded me of the way I felt when I lost my mom and the way my dad passed away, and it made me realize how much progress I have made coming to terms with those things. The long game is to live with those crosses in peace, and remember them with grace and joy, but also dedicating the time to grieve them, because they need to be grieved, and I don't think I will ever stop grieving for them, because I miss them and I can't seem to understand why they are not here anymore.


I have had times when I wish I could simply pick up the phone and call my dad to ask for advice. There have been moments when I am really struggling to find a way to deal with situations, and the snowball keeps falling down the mountain with no way out. I miss his voice, even if his reaction to everything was to simply 'not worry about it too much'.


Why am I writing all this? What does willpower have to do with anything? For me the answer is very simple: Resilience.


I want to pursuit my goals, but more importantly, I want to pursuit them well. I want to succeed at them properly and not just half-ass them. This has been my problem for the past 6 years when Seeking challenges. I get 90% there and then stall. I want to improve further, but I don't. I get stuck in a place of comfort and even though I know I am pushing more than ever before; I resist from giving that extra 10% to make it whole. I lack willpower.


I want to fully commit to doing all that is necessary to make it whole; not just in sport but in life, with my family and friends, and most importantly with myself. I want to feel peace in my soul and not feel overwhelmed and not have control of things. Is hard; but is possible.


Not everybody understands my reasons for doing what I do, or the decisions I make; and it does not matter if they don't, because is my battle and not theirs; and that is the only selfish thing I will ever do in my life; to put myself first.


Thanks for reading.




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