That friend you never asked for

unconditional [adjective] ~ /ʌnkənˈdɪʃ(ə)n(ə)l/

"Not subject to any conditions."

Grief is a difficult thing to go through. It takes you to a dark place you have never been before. It buries you under a mountain of feelings and regret that proves too much of a cross to bear.

As the flight to my hometown took off on the 3rd of August, all the feelings I have kept to myself for so long just swept off from under the rug. I was not able to contain them anymore, nor I wanted to. I have been trying for a very long time to understand why we allow ourselves to be consumed by misery for so long, but when happiness comes along we let it slip away too quick?. To me the answer is easy. We rely on our misery to keep us down so we can justify our downfall and our actions. We get comfortable, and is easy to justify anything and everything.

~ Never justify your weakness by being lazy ~

As I sat on this chair a month ago, 3 months after my father's passing; I could only feel empty inside, hollow, without purpose. I did not want to see anybody, I did not want to do anything. I just wanted to suffer in silence.

It is in moments like that where you have to remember where you come from. You have to remember who has been there for you. Even if it was just for a slight moment. It counts, trust me.

I never asked anybody to check on me. I never asked anybody to call me and see how I was. I never asked anybody to hear me cry. I did not want to. My grief was mine and mine alone. Why would I put this weight on someone elses shoulders?. It felt selfish. I did not understand.

I am seeing someone to help me go through this. There is no shame in that, nor do I feel it has to be something I must do quietly. I want to be better. I want to FEEL better. I want to smile again .... and I am.

Looking at my life since I set foot on this land, there are things I would never change, and would live them in the exact same way. There are others that I would do differently, of course. But one can not dwell on the past or the 'what if'. Time does not go back, and we cannnot change it. We only move forward and learn from those experiences.

I cannot do this alone, and I have not. I have those friends whom in one way or another have been there, and it means a lot, even if I don't say it enough.

This is for you all.

The friends who checked on me.

The friends who called me.

The friends who reached out even when I was quiet.

The friends who forced me out on a bike ride, or a run.

The friends who invited me for coffee.

The friends who saw first hand how I felt, and just let me be.

The friends who saw me crying.

The friends who felt my pain.

The friends who shared a drink with me.

The friends who stayed quiet, and gave me the space and time I needed.

To every single one of you, the friends I never asked for, and are always there for me, no matter what.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I am missing loads of photos here. You know who you are!, and I love you all.