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  • Writer's pictureThe Useless Runner

So long, Dad

Let go [expression] ~ /lɛt ɡəʊ/

"Allow someone or something to escape or go free."

Hello Dad,

This moment has played out in my head a million times for the past 11 months. I have had a hundred different ways to start this letter, but as much as I think about it, I just get more confused and sad trying to find the perfect words to express the feelings that surround me right now.

I have expressed my dismay many times about the way you left. I have talked about how unfair it was to say good bye the way we had to. It was not pretty.

The last time I saw you alive and conscious was on a video call as you laid on a bed, waiting to be intubated, not knowing what would happen. I saw how scared you were, tears coming out of your eyes, facing this reality that we never expected we would have to go through with you.

I had to say good bye from 4000 miles away, through a phone. All the memories about Mom came back in my head. It broke me.

I never told you what happened in my life after you left.

I 'moved on'. I had to. In the past 2 years I have gone through so many ups and downs that I cannot remember them all. My family held me together and gave me purpose. Your absence taught me many things I never knew about resilience and discipline. About digging deep and just 'suck it up'.

I decided to find a new fuel in my life so I could honour you the only way I knew how to:

By doing hard and difficult things, and embracing the pain.

This has not been easy, Dad.

Is difficult for me to find ways to pay tribute to you in the way you deserve. You suffered so much and gave so much away that is hard for me to put into words or actions how much you meant in my life and how much it meant for me to hear your voice, to see you .... to hug you.

I some times feel like this has to come full circle. Is difficult to hang on to something for so long that it becomes too painful for you to bear.

I am not saying I am suffering, because I am not. All I am saying is that it has to come a time where I need to be at peace with not having you in my life, and as much as I feel like I am not ready, or I make myself believe I am not, I have to be.

My family has supported me throughout this ordeal, and will always remember those short and amazing moments that we had together. I will live my life always honouring you and living my best life in the way you taught me and with the values I learned from both you and mom.

You were there for one of those big accomplishments in my life, when I rode 100 miles around London for mom.

Having you with me at the finish line filled me with so much pride to be your son. Having you there next to me was one of the best feelings in the world.

I will treasure this moment forever.

As I prepare for yet another long day out there, swimming, cycling and running; surrounded by 2 amazing friends next to me, I will remember you and the lives you brought to this earth. My brother and sister. My nephews and niece. My children.

There is so much more to live for, and I will always carry these memories with me, forever.

Thank you dad for everything you ever did for me, even if I don't know about it. Because being a father myself I now realize how many things we give up for our children without them never knowing all of the sacrifices we make for them. I truly thank you for everything you did for me.

Today I am closing this chapter, but I am not forgetting you.

I need to let you go, I need to be happy when I think of you. I need to remember your life with a big smile, knowing that you always gave everything for us, and I hope we gave you back everything you expected of us not just as your children but as human beings.

You and mom will always live in me and my children. I see you every day in them and in everything they do. When they smile or cry, when they are happy or sad. Wherever they go, you will always be in them. We are because you were.

I thank you, and I love you. I always will.

Thank you for who I am, and for whom I will be.

So long, Dad.

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