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Second Chances

Writer's picture: The Useless RunnerThe Useless Runner

Second Chance [expression] ~ /ˈsɛk(ə)nd tʃɑːns/

"An opportunity to try something again after failing one time."


A little over 5 years ago, I said good bye to Pete.


I had overcome a constant battle with food and a lot of metabolic problems which had left me broken since my childhood.


For the past 5 years I gained back control of my body, my cravings, my habits, and my beloved sport: Cycling. I stopped the yo-yo effect I was on for my entire adult life, year after year. I broke the cycle, for good.


Or so I thought.


I raced many races, I challenged myself and conquered goals I never thought were possible. I got into triathlon and enjoyed every minute of it. I wanted more. I was happy and engaged with my family and my social circle.


When COVID came along in late 2019, things radically changed. But the fire in me never stopped. I continued to train and improve. I enjoyed getting together with friends, looking forward to being back at the races and the long rides in the Alps and the Pyrenees.


I set my sights on a new race in Slovenia. I was in the best shape of my life. I was ready to grab the bull by the horns. Nothing was gonna stop me. Nothing.


And then ..... Dad died.


My world collapsed on my head so fast and hard that I had no time to recover. I had no time to think and prioritize things. I had no time to stop. I had no time to do anything, anything at all.


I grieved [am grieving], for months.


I felt hit by a truck at 100 miles per hour. All my old habits came back; the poor food choices, the binging, the lack of movement, the lack of energy, the cravings. It was one of those things I cannot explain in a way that you would understand. I tried everything I could think of. Every old bad habit kept resounding in my head like a drum. I was lost. I did not care, at all.


And there he was again ........ Pete.

That old friend whom I loved and hated.

That person with whom I had so many good and bad memories.

That person who gave me so many sorrows.


He was back and did not want to go.


I had forgotten how it felt to be like this. I did not want to accept the fact that I was facing this reality and that an event so big could rip me apart in a way I could not find an escape route.


I have always been honest, and always speak my mind.


I am going to speak my mind once more.


~ This fucking sucks. ~


Never did I think for a second that I would be in this position again.


I never felt sorry for myself.

I never felt guilty.

I deserved it.


As I mentioned in a previous post, I started seeing someone and it has helped me. I am gaining control of my life back. I am not great, but I am better.


I encourage myself to do something that makes me happy once a day. Whatever that may be. I want to have genuine smiles, and genuine thoughts about my family and my parents. I refuse to live in sorrow and regret.


I can never get my parents back. That is a fact. But it does not mean I cannot smile, laugh, and enjoy life. I deal with my grieve privately, on my own.


I need to get my shit together, and I am. Is just painfully slow. All things considered, there is good balance in my life. My family, my friends, my work. All these keep me centered. I work with great people, I have great friends, and my family is supporting me more than ever.


This is it; my second chance. To be good, to be better. To never forget, but to never stop.


We can't have regrets if we don't try. And even when we fail, we learn. We challenge ourselves and we stand up again, no matter how many times we fall. We are, after all, humans.


"Everything will be alright in the end.

If it's not yet alright, it's not yet the end."


Thanks for reading.


Thank you, my friend.






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