Breaking Point

Abyss [noun] ~ /əˈbɪs/

“A deep or seemingly bottomless chasm.”

When the time comes to let it all out, I hardly look around me.

It is difficult to express my feelings to others in a way that truly conveys my reality. This is not something I am used to doing. The perception of me has always been one of charisma and drive — dedicating myself to my family and friends, always pushing forward and taking challenges at face value. Always happy.

I am all those things, but I am also more than that. And in moments like these, it becomes almost impossible to express it, to let it all out. I can’t.

The image we portray to the outside world is a reflection of who we are and how we were raised. Around close family and friends, there are no social constraints. We are simply human beings — carrying forward the weight of our upbringing, always.

But when it comes to feelings, it is different. I see them as both the echoes of our failures and mistakes, and the consequence of our victories. My feelings dictate much of my life, shaping how I act in front of others. I don’t punish myself for my mistakes — but once you reach that point when all hope feels lost, when you stand at that breaking point, it feels like an abyss without end. You don’t know who can help you, because you’ve never shown weakness or pain in a way that allows others to truly understand you, or if you have, it does not really grasp the intensity of those feelings, and that silence makes you vulnerable — to the point where it is best to be quiet about it.

There are things in life that can be fixed. There are things in life you can speak of, and sharing them brings relief. But sometimes, when you face those challenges with no way out, when you question the very choices that have led you to this point — to this breaking point — with no idea how it can be repaired, that’s when you find yourself completely alone. Desperate. Quietly losing the flame that makes you who you are.

And it’s clearly a conscious decision you make. You take those choices because you want to, because you need them. Because no matter how deep that abyss feels, you always believe there will be a bottom — that there is no possible way you can fall further. Until suddenly you realize that you absolutely can. And then you break. You are done.

You find yourself sitting in a hole dug by your own bad choices, not understanding how or why you ended up there. But deep down, you do understand — you just can’t accept it, because it was never meant to be like this. You always felt entitled to your happily ever after.

These are the hard realities we all face in life. And no matter how many times we fail, we carry this belief that we can always get back up again, that we can fight these demons to the very end.

But sometimes, you simply don’t have the energy. Sometimes the bottom of the barrel is so deep that you can’t fathom finding a way out. So you bury your head in the sand, hoping it will disappear. But it won’t. And it never will.

Facing the music is painful. It is challenging. It drains you until your whole being feels exhausted, hollow, unbearable. So much so that even the idea of overcoming it seems impossible, because it has rooted itself too deeply into your existence.

Yet we all have to face the music at some point. And when that moment comes, it’s time to let it out — to live life in a way that defies the odds. Because if we don’t, the music consumes everything, and then there truly is no way out.

I have never had the solution. I have never held the perfect answer. But surely there has to be one. There always is.

Otherwise, why do we exist?

We live. We pursue. We defy the odds.

We are human.We are unbreakable.

Aren't we?

Thank you for reading.