Lost

Frustration [noun] - /frʌˈstreɪʃn/

"The emotion felt when one's expectations are not met."

My main motto in life has been to always be able to do the things that I know I can and want to do, regardless of how much effort and sacrifice it takes.

One of my biggest fears is to be told that I cannot do something. Not in the sense of a dare, but in the sense of physically not being able to, because it is or will be harmful to my health or my well-being. Is one of those things I have profoundly refused to accept. I always want to feel invincible.

I am not.

Emotional pain is the cross we all carry. Ups and downs in life usually teach us to be better, to do better, and to overcome those huge walls in front of us that we never thought we could break through. But we usually do. We triumph.

Physical pain. Well, physical pain is something else. It stops you from moving forward. It does not matter how much motivation you have, or how much desire you have to do something, to achieve something, it stops you. It does not give a sh*t about you or what you want or how you feel. It does not discriminate, it does not care. It just shows up and breaks you down. I had to learn this the hard way.

I am in the thick of it now. I suffered a big setback back in October.

I had a unnecessary surgery in February for something I did not have and was misdiagnosed, and recently the specialist made it absolutely clear that I need to take care of my knees if I want to do triathlon again. I am stuck in this situation and need to get out of it by being patient and committing to the recovery program. There is nothing I can do to speed it up, and there is nothing I can do to make it better faster.

I feel lost.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would miss running as much as I do now. It goes without saying that I am frustrated, extremely frustrated. I am angry, but I am also conscious that this is something I need to do.

This may sound childish, but I am jealous of all the people out there running and moving. All those out there breaking PBs and smashing every training session, while I am stuck at home walking on a treadmill or cycling flat and short courses on my bike trainer. Not pushing myself, not improving. Just going backwards.

I am a very emotional person, I need the heavy fire blazing through my legs on a hard run, I need the memory of my parents in my heart and brain when I am pushing hard on my bike. I need the motivational tunes in my ears whenever I am out in the lake pushing the water and hitting the waves.

I need all of my emotions burning in my head while I push myself physically and work hard on improving. Is the only way I know to let go, is the only way I know to relieve my emotions and mourn in peace.

I need the pain. I need the grit. I need the storm.

But I can't have the storm now. I can't have the chaos of the run, or the scorching cramps on my legs whilst riding my bike, and I need to live with that. Most importantly, I need to accept it, because is the only way to cope and get out of this chapter stronger.

I am blessed to have friends around me who lift me up and help me grow stronger and be better. I am blessed to have children who see me as a strong person who would do anything for them. The last thing I want is for my children to see me being weak. Not because of my ego, but because I want them to see that no matter how many times I get punched, I never go out for the count, I get up and live to fight again. I want them to see my resiliency. I want them to be proud of me.

I may not have the storm now. I may not have the grit and the pain. But I will have it again. And when I do, I will go out there and unleash the beast, because that is who I am, and that will not change. It is what I do, it is what I am meant to be. I need that pain, I need those tears. To feel alive.

Believe it or not; I run, and I run good.

Thanks for reading.

I came across a great speech by Coach Pain. It is a great reflection on the perspective that we should have on the things that happen to us in life. It widens your perspective of the world and what really matters in life.

I have written a transcript of the video at the end of this post.

When it hurts, by Coach Pain

Yes, it hurts sometimes.

When you feel alone, it hurts.

It hurts sometimes,

when you are in that dark place,

and you feel no one cares about you.

The first thing you got to realize is that you need to love yourself.

It's about self-love.

Start understanding

that if you are going to do something with your life,

you have to fall in love with yourself again.

You got to stop self-hating yourself.

Do something that is gonna make you a better person.

Make an impact in this world.

Don’t look at it as though it's something that you've got to do temporary.

Alghough we know life is short.

Many people didn't realize that the next day they would be diagnosed with cancer.

They thought tomorrow was gonna be waiting for them,

and they did not wake up.

But you are still living.

Now, what do you have to do?

How are you going to move forward?

Are you going to proceed your life?

Life is not a game.

Life is living.

There is the good, and there is the bad,

And there is definitely the right now.

You can't wait for somebody else to make your life better.

You got to make your life better.

You’ve got to focus on you.

Now, I am not saying forget the rest of the people.

But I am telling you to get rid of the things that are not making you strong,

That are not making you better,

That are not making you efficient.

That are not putting you in a better place.

That are not giving you the strength you need to keep living the life that you have been given.

Don’t you give up on lifE,

Because once your life is over you can't come back.

Leave your mark.

Help someone.

Lift someone up when they are down.

Be the strength for others when they are weak.

And maybe when you are at the weakest point in your life,

someone will lift you up.

Because we all struggle.

No one is immune to it.

So keep fighting for it.

Don't give up.

Live, breathe, life, you.

That's what it’s about.

It’s going to hurt.

Sometimes it’s going to get tough.

But when it gets tough, you get tougH.

Just make sure you make your mark.

Make sure you make your mark in this world.

Because somebody did not make it today,

But you did.

Keep living.

Keep living strong.

Don’t give up.

It is not about worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow.

Because guess what?

Tomorrow does not owe you or me anything.

In a matter of fact, tomorrow has already made up its mind.

You have this moment.

You can't worry about yesterday,

Because yesterday is not coming back for you.

Whatever you had the chance to do yesterday won't come back.

But you have this moment.

You have this chance,

To do something great with this life that you have been given.

You may have been through a lot in your life.

You may have been through hell in your life.

But hell doesn't own you.

Hell did not create you.

Life has been given to you from a higher power.

Something that you need to understand,

that no matter who you are,

in this world that we live in today,

everyone must struggle,

Everyone must suffer.

But everybody that is going through something,

Always has a story to tell.

Most people that are successful right now,

had to go through something to get where they got to this day today.

Some people are not even willing to hurt,

And to feel that,

So that they getp what it is that they want.

But let's go beyond that.

What about the people out here who can't walk?

What about the people out there who can't talk?

What about the people out there that are suffering from diseases they cannot be cured from?

What about you?

What about you?

What are you going to do about the life you have?

How are you going to live?

How far are you going to go?

Do you feel sorry for yourself because you are having a bad day?

Do you feel sorry for yourself because you lost your job?

Do you feel sorry for yourself because you just feel you are just not having the day you want?

Because the day that you had, is not the way you wanted it to go?

Or do you feel that you deserve a pat on your back?

Because you did a good thing.

We all got a responsibility.

We all got to be accountable.

We all got to put in work.

But don’t give up.

There is somebody out there right now who is hurting.

There is somebody out there right now is struggling.

There is somebody out there right now who has got it a little bit tougher than you.

So why are you going to give up now?

Anything that comes your way,

you got to be prepared to accept the challenge and go through it.

Don't lay on your back.

If something is on your chest, get it off.

As long as you are breathing,

as long as your heart is pumping blood,

you are not dead yet.

They have not put rose petals on your box yet.

Make sure every breath you take counts for something.

It's time to understand that if you want to get something out of your life,

you got to be willing to work for it.

How much are you really willing to give?

Are you prepared to hurt?

Are you prepared to struggle?

Because if you are not that person,

Then lay back down,

Stay where you are,

Don’t move forward.

Move backwards.

But if you are the person you say you are,

We don't have time to wait.

Because time does not owe you anything.

Time is not thinking about you.

Time has already made up its mind.

What are you going to do?

Who said it's supposed to be easy?

It takes grit.

It takes tenacity.

It takes sacrifice.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

This is not a pity party.

But you have the right to celebrate the life.

Because no matter if it's good or if it'sbad,

Nothing is greater than living.

Because if you are living,

there is a possibility to change something.

But not just change it,

Evolve it.

Evolve it to something greater.

Being able to take something,

That may not mean nothing to others,

But may mean something to you.

There are so many people in this world that don't believe in you.

But while you are sitting around worrying about people believing in you,

Why don't you focus on believing in yourself?

Live, breathe, life, you.

That's what it's about.